Ya love 'em, ya hate 'em. You mostly love 'em... but sometimes you can't stand 'em. No matter how perfect the relationship is with your other half, there are definitely those times that you don't see eye to eye, that you feel done, and that you just want to scream.
This is where that lovely little word "compromise" comes into play. Talk to any couple and they'll tell you that yes, compromise is part of a relationship. However, unhealthy compromise may cause one to feel like they're the only one giving in and giving things up in a relationship. Without getting too therapisty on you, we spoke today on 'He Said, She Said' about compromise in relationships. When in a relationship with someone, should you have to do things you hate that the other half loves? We break it down:
Psychology Today explains that compromise if often necessary to smooth out some of the rough edges in an otherwise smoothly functioning relationship. Sure, turning off the television to give some extra help with errands and chores (although any normal person would agree that dusting is TORTURE) is not going to kill us — nor will it cause us to compromise our core wants, needs, and beliefs. But what happens when we start compromising thing we truly, 100 percent can't stand?
Consider this: compromise can be a positive, essential part of a health relationship during these times:
- Arguments: But not in the way that you may initially think. We're not telling you to throw in the white flag for the heck of it, but even if you DESPISE confrontation, when a partner requests both of you keep communicating during disagreements, take a deep breath and consider the long-run. Even though it's challenging for you to open up, it will most likely be worth airing out whatever is on both of your minds.
- Health discussions: Unless you're a professional body builder (and probably even then), working out is flipping hard. There's no denying that it is WAY easier to pop on Netflix than to pump out a two-hour gym session. But when your partner suggests starting to go to the gym together, eating healthier, quitting smoking, drinking less — whatever your personal demon may be, it's a valid time to consider compromise. Relationships are dynamic aspects in everyone's lives, it wouldn't be the worst thing to compromise on a decision that would positively impact your well being.
- Hanging out with the in-laws: The idea of jumping into shark-infested waters may seem more appealing than spending a night at your mother-in-law's, but it won't kill you. When your partner requests you attend a family function that's important to them, even if you know you don’t get along with a specific family member who will be there, it may mean the world to your other half.
On the other hand, not all relationship compromise is healthy, nor is it tied to the commitment you and your partner share. According to the Huffington Post, a 1997 study found that people are more likely to compromise in their relationship when they are invested and feel strongly committed to their partner, and a study from 2006 concluded that sacrifice — and satisfaction with a partner’s sacrifices — can affect long-term marital outcomes.
The study found that individuals who made a sacrifice for their partner reported being more committed to the relationship, but didn’t feel more satisfied or closer to their partner than people who didn’t make these sacrifices. Furthermore, making a sacrifice after a stressful day made no difference to how someone felt about their relationship.
So next time you two bicker over who's going to take out the trash, you might feel tempted to give in and do it. But making this small sacrifice for him or her might not actually improve the quality of your relationship.
With that being said: don't feel obligated to compromise your own feelings and morals during these times:
- Other relationships: If a friend is treating you poorly and your partner becomes concerned, that's coming from a place of love. But if your partner arbitrarily asks (or demands) you to cut ties with someone that you have a substantial, healthy relationship with, don't yield.
- Relationship treatment: Think about the way you expect to be treated by a partner, then think about the way you are being treated by a partner. If the two differ, without your ideal being completely out of realm, don't be afraid to speak up. Hidden or unspoken unhappiness in a relationship could have long-term, detrimental effects including resentment and hatred.
- Core values and beliefs: This is pretty straight forward. YES, from time to time, we will all have to make changes and tweaks to please our partner and to find a happy medium... that part ties back into the health compromise. However, you shouldn't always change your beliefs when you're not openly willing. You don't need to agree with your partner about everything. Being able to have healthy, informed debate can be really enriching. But you also probably don't want to be with ignorant views either.
The same holds true with politics. Democracy is choice by the people. Obviously, we will never be able to satisfy every individual. So, in order to prevent chaos (although we seem to be dangerously close to it these days), and continue the country running, we compromise to satisfy differing parties to prevent fixation on a single topic.
Political compromise is difficult in American democracy, even though no one doubts that it is necessary. The same holds true to relationships: everything in moderation. Know where to draw the line; that is the key